Feeling and Typing

I want to write a little about Ms. SoberPants (daughter age 27)but I don't feel like going thru the whole damn history for those of you who may not have been reading this blog for the last 3 years. Anyway, she will have two years sober this month which is sort of the biggest thing in the whole wide world. Yesterday she had to go to the grocery store for Mother. I know this seems like a simple task to everyone and I understand that to you it is no big deal. For Ms. SoberPants though it requires first drawing the map yet again from Mothers to the store. It requires entering a building with very high ceilings. It requires standing in a line and holding money.
When it was done, I had to talk to her for almost an hour and a half on the phone to talk her down from that. She ended up at a park close to Mothers house, walking the trail for another hour and saying the 3rd step prayer over and over. Then another hour on the phone until the crying stopped. I promised her over and over that I would do the grocery shopping for her and Mother from now on. My baby girl just said "no" she is determined to do this. This makes me feel so much love and compassion for her strength. This brings on all kinds of fear for me. She has never been in a Mall or a beauty shop or a WalMart or a large restaurant. She has so many anxiety issues and has since she was a small. EXCEPT when she's drunk. Her son comes tomorrow (age 10) to visit for 2 weeks. I had a dream last night that his fathers family dropped him off but did not come back to pick him up. So this morning I've taken on some "what if" drama in my head. She is not emotionally capable of raising a child. This is not happening mind you.....it's just self inflicted drama I'm having. I'm not wallowing it, just feeling it somewhat. Oh my family. Lordy, lordy, lordy.

Happy 4th of July. I have to work an a fundraiser this evening about 30 miles away. An all day fish fry. It's hot hot hot here in H town.

Pammie

Thursday a.k.a Three Day Weekend

God could and would if he were sought.

Isn't it odd how sometimes that seeking is just a whisper away?

Well, it's a new day. Like it or not it is here. Maybe yesterday you fretted about this day I don't know. Maybe tomorrow you will be filled with regret about this this day. At this moment though, it's a new unmarked un-dented day.

My hair is clean and so are my clothes. Physically, I am appropriate to walk out the door.

I've taken my morning medicine. I've read "On awakening...." page 86. I've digested it and put thought and prayer into it as well.

My car has gas. I have a job to go to.

I am ready to live this day to the best of my ability. To treat those around me with courtesy and respect.

I know how to live in this day alone.......what an awesome gift from God.

Pammie

Wednesday Stuffola

Blah blah blah:

• Yesterday the Hospice nurse came to Mothers house to take a medical history, learn what medicines she's on etc. Mothers primary physician (a sleaze bag - long story) had sent her records to the hospice group. The records had her name, S.S. and date of birth correct but listed her illnesses as AIDS, HEP C and Emphysema. This upset her to think that the others at hospice had also seen her records and believed she had AIDS. The nurse said she would clear that up today and find out where the correct records are. Sigh.
  
• I like to read blogs early in the morning from my desk at work. I can only comment on the "old school" blogger comment box. The firewall at work will not allow me in any other kind. So.....I'm reading many blogs that I can not comment on.
  
• Tonight is home group. I sit third row second chair in from the right side.
  
• Today is the funeral for a sales guy that a lot of us at my job used to work with. Everyone is talking about him at work this week. I'm not however telling them that 15 years ago at the company xmas party he was drunk and grabbed my boob. His wife was drunk as well and grabbed the other.
  
• Let's find lots of good in THIS day.......K?
  
• Let's wink at someone today....dare ya.....double dog dare ya.

Pammie

Tuesday

Yesterday went very well with the Hospice Rep. who happened to be their Chaplin. Mother liked her and I did as well.

Some stuff:

• There is a guy at my home group who is loved by everyone because he shares so eloquently. I've been sponsoring his ex and boy howdy have I been hearing some down and dirty stuff about him!
• My husband has been entertaining the idea of taking a job out of Houston. YIKES.
• I keep forgetting to tell y'all that he was in a Pepsi commercial last week. Long story.
• I have a good life.....no matter what.
• Four day work week - Yahoo.

Pammie

Mama age 16

Oh I wish you could see how blue her eyes are with all that red hair. My daughter Ms. SoberPants looks like this.

Pammie

It's Monday - Yet AGAIN

I am grateful:

• For a fun weekend.
• That Saturday evening Ms. SoberPants, Ms. FancyPants and myself played SkipBo on the floor in front of the couch where Mother sat instructing strategy. We had a good time and Mother was her fun self.
• That Sunday I floated in the pool and read Augusten Burroughs brothers' book -"Look Me In the Eye".
• That Sunday night I went to Birthday night at my home group, picked up my 18 year chip and ate chocolate cake. My sponsor was there which was so wonderful!

Today is the day hospice comes to Mothers and we "talk" I guess. I'm kinda nervous because I don't know what to expect and because Mother still feels good but tired. New stuff, new experiences equal uncertainty.

Ok - I must get ready for work. Stayin' in the day.

Pammie

Saturday

I had an excellent open discussion with Mother yesterday about finances, funerals and hospice.

I told her that Hospice would be coming to her home on Monday to talk to all of us. I have to get as much information as I can from her now because pretty soon she will close this conversation. It will be something like "I don't want to hear another word about this - not another single word."

She has taken to saying "I'm tired of this shit." My mother does not cuss so it's startling to hear it. I do however have to agree. I'm tired of this shit as well.

I have a convention committee meeting at 2:00 today and lots of laundry to do. Life goes on - even the mundane parts.

Pammie

Friday Flash 55

Mama, when I was a little girl I loved your arching eyebrows and your little red Maybelline box that slid open to reveal the tiny brush and rectangle cake of brown.

You would wet the brush under the faucet, shake it twice then scrub the color cake with the tiny brush.

Your eyebrows were perfection.



For information about Friday Flash 55 - go see g-man.

Diagnosis

OK....like jerking a band aid off quickly.......here we go.

She has Stage IV small cell lung cancer. It is not the primary place, but they are not sure if the primary is her kidney or abdomen. The only reason for doing any more biopsies would be to figure out the correct chemo. It will not change the diagnosis.

She and (we) don't feel that chemo would be the right route for her.

Prognosis: The doctor said "months". She did not say 3 months or 100 months. But you know what I mean.

Mother has lost 25 lbs. in the last 6 weeks.

It's happening so fast.

I don't know how she makes her fig preserves. I don't know why her parents divorced, why she is afraid to learn to swim? Funny questions popping up.

I guess I will figure all this out as we go. God is so good.......so so good.

Wednesday

I had my oven set at 350 deg. last night. I opened it to put a casserole in and I swear it felt like the exact same temperature as the interior of my car when I left work yesterday.

Today, Ms. SoberPants and I take Mother to the oncologist. All three of us are holding on to our own secret nightmares and Julia Roberts endings. It will be what it is.

I'm grateful today that God moves like a body guard for me. He won't sit down. He is ever present. He is more powerful than anything I could fear.

I'm going to work the 1st half of the day, then doctor then back to work, then home group tonight. That's my plan, we'll see what God has in mind, he sometimes jumbles my day differently than I had planned.

It's Tuesday

• I got a full nights sleep last night. That is rare for me.
• I'm going to the Walmart this morning to by a fan for Mothers bedroom. Her old house has one window unit AC in the enclosed one car garage. The rest of the house is hot as hell. I grew up in that house without any AC, in hot as hell Houston.
• My husband decided to do some home made surgery on the side of his foot last night 'cause he is that kind of guy. There are bloody towels everywhere.
• I'm just doing what I can at work this week. The awfulness of it yesterday was not quite as bad as I expected of course.
• God has me swaddled is all I can say.
• I did not know how spoiled I really was until my husband lost his job 3 weeks ago.
• I've broken my day up again, and I'm ready to start phase one. Get you shoes on God and let's go.

Pammie

I'm in Segment One

Last night was kind of creepy. I spoke in a small town and there were only 10 people there. For me, it's much easier to speak in front of 100. Oh well, it was humbling I can say that.

I'm so grateful that I know how to live in the day. I will need this skill for the upcoming week. I have a HUGE task at work for the next 4 days in an area that I'm not very good at.

On Wednesday we finally go to the oncologist for Mothers test results. Oh you know I've been speculating on that some.

Anyway, I will start today by breaking the day into segments because that works for me. It's 5:00am - noon. Then noon to 4:30pm. Then 4:30 to bedtime.

I list my priorities per segment. Pray about them. Give it to God then do my best. For some reason this lets me be satisfied with "my best" even if it is not good enough for someone else.

Mothers new motto this weekend is "I'll do my part, let the doctors do their part, and let God have the rest."

Stayin' in the day in a "grateful for the tools of our beautiful program" kind of way.

Sunday

Example from yesterday when 16 addicts get together planning an event....not the actual verbiage.

Chairperson: So come back at seven and don't forget your pen and paper.

Hand goes up "do we need to bring a pen?"

"Yes, pen and paper."

"Would a pencil be OK?"

"Whatever you want to write with."

"I'm allergic to the bleach in white paper, does it matter what kind of paper?"

"I would prefer to take notes on my laptop, would that be acceptable?"

"Did you say bring a pen?"

"Do you think we will need any paper?"

ARGGGGGH!

.......ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

The funny part is that I LOVE THESE PEOPLE. Love - these - people.

Staying in Sunday.

Saturday

• I have a 2 hour convention planning meeting on the other side of town at 2:00 today.
• This means nothing to you unless you live in Houston and you know how very hot it will be at 2:00.
• I have felt absolutely no desire to pick the cigarettes back up. How weird to smoke for a week after 15 months. I can't explain it. But it feels very right to be a non smoker again.
• Mother is doing well. We are waiting for her oncologist visit on Wednesday .
• I am telling my story in a very little town south of Houston tomorrow evening.
• I woke up with a loving heart this morning. I hope to hold on to it all day.
• Don't you hate it when you care about people more than they seem to care about themselves? That can be so discouraging.
• I know I need to be loving anyway.
• Enjoy this day.......this hot day.......Gods' day.....Gods' way.

Friday Flash 55

I’m dreaming of an ocean breeze
without the salt and humidity tied to it.
It would be more of a gardenia or a jasmine smell.
No dead jelly fish lying around.
Women required to be fat please.

Oh hell, just give me my own bed.
Downy fresh with an aromatherapy candle and the lights off.


For information about Friday Flash 55 - go see g-man.

Thursday

I put the cigarettes back down yesterday. It was a crappy experience.

I went to a speaker meeting last night and learned a lot about a woman that I've sat in meetings with for years. Funny, the new things we learn about someone when we hear their story.

I did not get a single butt shot yesterday with my new camera phone. I can see that this is not going to be easy.

OK, going to work now and still playing catch up.

Stayin' in the day in a "joyous for the moment" kind of way.

Wednesday

• I'm movin' slow this morning, but I'm movin'.
• Waiting in holding pattern all day on Monday for Mothers biopsy to be done, they cancelled it after 6 hours and the IV set up already and everything. Went back to her house.
• Went back in yesterday and they did a different biopsy procedure with less risk.
• Now the waiting game for the oncologist to look at the 3,212 tests done and come up with.......well I don't know, I guess a game plan.
• BUT....during the last 2 days of hospital "sits" I was able to get oxygen and a hospital bed delivered to her house which she doesn't really need that much yet, but it does seem to make her more comfy.....and we don't know what's down the road. So that was a major accomplishment.
• Lots of nurses kept commenting on mine and Ms. SoberPants jewelry (that she makes) so she brought some pieces up and they bought 7 necklaces and Ms. SoberPants made enough money to get new contacts and glasses. Yahoo
• I came back home at 4:00 yesterday, jumped in the pool and just swam my ass off for an hour. It really seemed to renew me.
• My husband and I went to the phone place last night and I got a new phone. I finally have a camera on it. I'm thinking of starting a folder of "butts" or something. Butt pictures could be fun.
• I'm glad to be going back to work today.
• Lot's of doctors are kind of hmmmmm...idiots.
• Lot's of nurses ROCK.
• Lot's of case managers have problems with "eyeball rolling".

Stayin' in the day because it's the safest place to stay.

Monday Funny

With everything going on, I do have a funny to report.

Sunday, when I was coming home from the hospital, my husband called and said "don't be alarmed, but our street is completely lined with cars in both directions, but no one is parked in front of our drive way so don't worry."

I asked him what was going on and he said "you'll find out when you get home, and I've already got your binoculars out for you."

Hmmmmmm well y'all know I've talked about my neighbor man who does not know he's gay right? Well, that's not true exactly, since I was having lunch some months back with our Scott W. from blog world - in a "sort of gay" establishment in Houston, and my neighbor man came in with a guy.........I digress.

ANYWAY - it seems that my neighbor guy was having an all male nudist society pool party in his back yard. There were 35 men in attendance.

I of course, went immediately upstairs to my window with my binoculars (husband knows me well) to watch the party. Holy Schmoley -----naked men everywhere and they were wearing jewelry with their nakedness, which I thought was really weird.

I had so much fun. My husband actually brought my dinner upstairs so I would not miss anything.

Ahhhh good times.

Sunday News on Mother

Oh life happens don't it?

Mother was diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday. We will go back for another biopsy tomorrow, then toward the end of the week they will read the other CAT scans, xray, PET scan, bone scan...etc.

None of us know what to expect yet, but I guess it will be revealed each day what we are to do in those 24 hours.

I am most concerned with my schedule right now. I seem to be torn in many different directions and the only direction I want to go in ....is the path to my Mothers house.

I will have to depend on others to help me (Thank you God for Ms. SoberPants) because I still must work for a living and honor my commitments to my meetings and Service positions.

Sober experience has taught me that this will unfold as it unfolds. Oh how grateful I am that I have spent many years practicing "staying in the day." It is now a skill that will serve me and my family well.

Sober experience has also taught me that many good things come from strife and sorrow when you least expect it, so I will be on the look out for the "good lessons and experiences" that will come from the days ahead with Mothers illness.

Love to you all..........Pammie

Random Honesty

Random Honesty

• First of all, thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday!
• I felt lots of smoochie love from you guys.
• Here we go ----------In the past 7 days:
• I think I've made a mistake with a service position that I've taken on. I'm not sure what to do about that.
• My sweet husband lost his job of 15 years. He has been in some emotional pain like I have never witnessed with him.
• My mother, who most of you know thru my blog is ill. They have found a mass on her lung, lymph nodes and kidney.
• I can see a "crack" in the relationship between my daughter "Ms. SoberPants" and her fiance'. Experience has shown me that her relationship breakups have always brought on relapse.
• On Wednesday I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been smoking. In my mind this is totally unrelated to the events above, but what the hell do I know.
• My employer has added a new role to my job at work that will drown me if I don't stay on top of it.
• I'm so grateful that I know how to stay in the day. It has kept me feeling calm and safe.
• Sober experience has shown me that anything is possible "in that day".
• I will go to work for a few hours this morning, then go with Mother to the doctor for some more "news".
• I'm also, telling myself over and over that I am a non smoker, I am a non smoker and asking God to remove the obsession once again. Fifteen months of non smoking, jeeeze.
• My husband is getting a lot done in our other business and hopefully he will find a new job quickly.
• There. I'm done.
• Friday 55 - next week.

Pammie

18- Old enough to be tried as an adult!

Today, June 11, 2009 I am grateful.
I am grateful that on June 11, 1991 an awesome, merciful God took pity on this broken soul.
That many hands in a 12 step program reached out to me.
That I understood the meaning of powerless.
That I knew it was about my spirit and not the lack of shoes on my feet.
That I understood that I had tried everything my mind could come up with to make my drinking and drug use work for me instead of so relentlessly against me.
That I knew that God had laid his hand gently against my face in a way that made me drop to my knees in surrender.
That I saw flickers of hope and visions of something better.
That I not only saw the path that others had made before me, but jumped on that path blindly and willingly. I was willing to follow it to the ends of the earth if that’s what it took.
I am a sober woman today.
I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body.
It is, has and always will be the biggest miracle in my life.

Pammie