Do You Ever?

Have you ever gotten lost in blogs where you keep clicking on commenters names until you find yourself in a completely different blog universe about subjects that you never thought people blogged about? I did last night but now I can't remember how I got there so I can't go back and visit. This is probably good since I wanted to tell them all that they were idiots. OK...I did leave one anonymous comment but jeez it was Saturday night and I don't drink!

Do you ever go through the radio stations in the car and get to stations where you can't help but think "who listens to this shit?"

Do you ever find a pair a panties in the back of the drawer and think "hey, I haven't seen these in a while" so you wear them and when you get to work you think "oh crap, now I remember why I never wear these!" Why don't we just throw them away?

Do you ever look at your spouse with a loving expression but on the inside you're thinking "please shut up about that subject because I've already heard that story 10 times and you are just boring the shit out of me and can't you please go find something else to do because I would like some peace and quiet?"

Me neither.

It's Sunday and I'm thinking about going back to bed for a morning nap.....wanna?

Pammie

Just Sayin'

There is a class I have to take every few years and to today is the day. It's so cold out but the class is in a nice warm building from 8:00AM - 6:ooPM-damn that's a long day for a Saturday.

There are a few things, well more than a few things out in the world that are really bothering me right now but it is nothing you can help with so I don't know why I bring it up. I'm a firm believer and cheerleader for living in the day but my day does not exclude everything else on the planet. Living in the day does not just mean my own day since there are millions of other people living in the same damn day. To say that I keep my own side of the street clean doesn't mean my street is just the three foot wide path in front of me. Sometimes my own side of the street is my home, my neighborhood, my city, my great state, my country and my planet. I "must" make efforts in all categories in order to keep my street broad and inclusive. Every year I write what I hope are helpful suggestions (never critical even though I want to) to my Homeowners Association, my City Council, the Governors office, my Senators and Congressmen, my President and at least one World organization. I am not alone on the street. I have ideas and feelings and opinions on how to keep the street cleaner. I have already lived the life of solitude and isolation brought on by my alcoholism and drug addiction, I want the 2nd half of my life to reflect the end of self centeredness and the end of walking the road alone.

I guarantee you that there will be comments from people (or now they won't write it) that -oh no, they have no power over other people or events and they have to just concentrate on their own lives and that's how sobriety works for them. Blah blah blah....... Oh paaaleeeze don't take offense, it's 5:00 in the morning and I'm just typing my thinking.

Just sayin'.

Pammie

Good Grief

Dear Men,

Beard stubble is just not sexy unless you are Sam Elliott. If you are on any kind of visual media what so ever then shave! Not you Sam, you can just roll out of bed and move on with your day and hey, call me sometime.

If you have hair on your chest then don't wear a necklace period. If you are over 25 then don't wear a necklace period. Never pierce your earlobes.

Gay men, don't wear eyeliner period. Don't do it.

Call your Mother, Grandmother, Sisters and favorite Aunt once a month. That is only 12 times a year. Do it all in one sitting and be consistent.

Remember that when you look in the mirror that you may see yourself as a 21 year old hunk, but the rest of the world notices that your ears never stop growing and yes your hair is thinner. Stop worrying about your damn hair.

Dear Women,

Carry on, you're doing fine.

Dear Bloggers,

Can you tell my head is empty this morning? How great is that? An empty head!

I'm ready to hit the shower, hit the road, hit the day. Hip hip hooray. Come what may. Earn my pay. Ole'

Pammie

Where is Mr. Yogi?

I can't find Mr. Yogi and it's so damn cold here in Houston. I'll look again this evening.

Ms. WillingPants Sponsee picked up her 18 month chip last night and as she was sharing she said her Sponsor is an amazing woman. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable because I still see myself as a drug addict trying to do the right thing. The fact that she benefited from it is just a by-product of that on going effort.

Right after Mama died last month it hurt to feel love for anyone. I've always equated love with pain because that truly has been my personal experience. The last couple of days though I have really been feeling the love creeping back in bit by bit. I find that it is more uncomfortable to close myself off than it is to risk emotional pain. God is always so gentle with me and knows just what I am capable of day to day. It inspires me to be more gentle with the people in my life.

Lovin' my blogger homies.

Pammie

Blue Bamboo Cows Go Moo

Blue Bamboo. Now say that out loud. Fabulous right?

Someone here in blogland installed bamboo floors this year, were you paying attention?

Three days of this cold ass weather is about all I can stand. It's depressing as hell to have to move so fast to get from the car to the house. I like to walk thru the back yard and check plants and stuff, but Nooooo I have to hurry inside before my bones break from the frigid wind. It's like living thru Winne the Pooh and the Blustery Day only with cussing and cold blustery rain.

I want to open a cute "cottage like" place by the ocean and call it the Blue Bamboo. I would sell pottery, live bait and bar-b-q sandwiches. Just a thought.

You know how you can buy fancy decorated light switch covers? Isn't that just one more way to spend money unnecessarily? It seems like we should gather all our living supplies in our 20's and be done with it. When you get your first set of dishes-well you now have dishes so mark that off your list. I don't know if getting bored with them is truly an adequate reason to get new ones.

People, be glad you don't live in my head this morning. I swear when I woke up the committee in my head said "thank God you're up, we've been waiting to tell you something all night long!"

Enjoy your Wednesday.

Pammie

Oh Just Chit Chat

Remember when I said I was anxious to get back to work? Well that feeling wore off by 10:30 yesterday. I was in bed by 8:00 last night because of first day back exhaustion.

We have cold weather here in Houston this week but it seems we can not have cold without wet. And we can't have cold and wet without lots of wind. "YO...mutha nature-pick ONE."

I have a butt warmer in my car and it's the best thing EVAH.

I need to travel into town tonight to hear one of my sponsees tell her story, so I hope it's not raining hard. She is from Vietnam and her family dynamics are fascinating.

A friend gave me a new Big Book with big ass print. I love it because I don't have to find my reading glasses every time I want to look something up.

I have love and gratitude in my heart this morning. I didn't put it there but it's there none the less.

Pammie

FooFoo Can Be Good

I remember writing this exact same thing last year that I'm thankful for every ones hard work in putting up lights and trees and bows because I get to enjoy all the beauty without having to do any of the work. I don't decorate anymore and I don't feel guilty about it either. But please carry on with your decorations because I do love to drive down the street at night and see it all.

I got to see a very dear friend pick up his 19 year chip last night and that did my heart so good.

I did a few foofoo things for myself yesterday, a mud mask facial, deep hair conditioner, bought new lipstick and a new pair of jeans. I played make-up and beautician. It just felt good.

I'm anxious to get back to the work routine today, I dislike structure but thrive on it. I have a 9:00am meeting this morning that was poorly planned since we have all been away for four days and are going to be a bit scattered.

Mary Christine and I talked on the phone yesterday about getting back to a more deep meditation time in our lives. I have certainly gotten off the beam in this area. I do a lot more talking to God than listening. This week, I will carve out a place in my schedule for a set time of meditation. I know the benefits and they are amazing.

Pammie

One Foot in Front of the Other

Problem.

I have done penance for 18 years with my Mother. She never required this mind you, but I felt the shame of my life diminish every day that I accomplished being a good daughter. I could go to bed with peace in my heart each night with good thoughts about myself. I don't know where to get that now. I had a purpose. I made a vow to myself in my very first week of sobriety that I would never again live in such a way as to bring pain upon my Mother. It feels as though I've been released from sobriety. It feels as though the "meaning" of my sobriety has ended.

I know this is not the true meaning of my sobriety. But it is the "feeling".

I'm lonesome for the "me" I was when Mother was alive.

Sigh. I know to keep doing what I'm doing. I know all the right stuff. I just feel so sad and I'm trying like crazy to make it go away. I want to eat and lay in my bed. Those are two things that feel good. I'm tired.

I will be so glad when this time off work spell is over. I need to get back to work.

Pammie

Hey-An Idea Just Pops Into My Willing Head

After dressing for my trip yesterday, I suddenly decided I would rather sleep. I undressed got in the bed and slept soundly for 5 hours. Sleep never felt so good. When I came downstairs my husband said "happy anniversary honey, I did not know if you were going to sleep through it or not." Oh yes, I had forgotten my own 5th wedding anniversary. Good grief.

Shaking this small funk may be a little more difficult than I'd first thought. Tools, I have tools but ahhh using them is so key to their working properly ya know?

Going to work would get me out of my head but alas there are two more days off to kill.

I am procrastinating for sure on a few things. Doing those might help, it's simple stuff like paying a few bills, doing some laundry, but I don't wanna.

WHOA, wait a minute, it's Saturday right? There is a county run half way house for indigent women that's only about a 30 minute drive from me. They have a meeting there at 10:00am on Saturdays. I can make that. I can take the solution. I can share some experience, strength and hope there. I have plenty of time this morning to get ready and make that meeting. Yahoooo.

Pammie

I Need to be Alone

When we make decisions based on fear....everything winds up sucking like a big ol dog. This morning, that is as true as it gets for me. I am being bit in the ass by a 200 lb. pitbull for a fear based decision I made many many moons ago. I am extremely appreciative for a God who doesn't say "I told you so."

I went to an excellent late night meeting where I ended up being the only female but it was not uncomfortable. A late night Thanksgiving meeting is one of my favorite meeting nights of the year, filled with shell shocked new comers that are wondering if their families were always that messed up and they were too stoned to notice. A lot of times they have not realized yet that some of the families are messed up because of them.

I need to go for a drive today. I need to pray on a few things and I love to drive and pray. There is a small town about 25 miles from me that has a town square of nothing but little specialty shops and it's a nice day to drive and take a stroll alone in an unfamiliar little town- just me and God.

Pammie

A Few Things That Bring Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving morning y'all.

I am grateful:

• That Thanksgiving will be at my daughters this year and I don't have to clean house this morning.
• That my husband won't be deep frying a turkey in the back yard and setting the grass on fire.
• That I did not have to beg last night for a Wednesday night chairperson for the month of December. Quite a few people raised their hands.
• That I am not one of the many who have to spend the day with family members they don't like.
• That I am not one of the many who will spend Thanksgiving alone in self pity and despair.
• That one night I sat down at the computer and somehow found out there was a thing called blogging and I looked up the only topic that I really cared to read about and that was "sobriety". It lead me to all you guys. Thank you for being out there.
• I am grateful for the crack pipe (we so crudely called a glass dick). It threw me off the roller coaster of addiction smack dab on my face, then left me wallowing in the mud for days before I looked up and asked God to help me.
• That although I did not know it at the time, I completely surrendered on that night. That surrender allowed me to be free of the obsession long enough to work the beautiful steps and be completely free to walk the same planet as everyone else.

Happy Thanksgiving..........wear stretch pants today!

Randomolious

• You know how I was banned for life from one of our local bars for thinking it was a great idea to bend over the pool table and try to drop my breast down into the corner pocket during the final rounds of a 16 week pool tournament right? Well part of that bar is a restaurant and I went in there for lunch yesterday with some co-workers and the law did not come haul me away. I guess they did not recognize me sober and with my tits covered up.
  
• I don't care much for Thanksgiving but I wish I did. I make an excellent honey and orange spiral ham but everyone is used to it so there is no "ta-da" to it anymore.
  
• There is a guy at work who laughs just like Woody Woodpecker and it is very disturbing to listen to.
  
• My father in law sips about 1/2 inch of Beefeaters over ice before going to bed at night. I never liked gin at all but I find it so fascinating that someone would want about a 1/2 inch of booze. Size does matter.
  
• I visited with an old friend for about an hour over the weekend. It felt good to sit in her kitchen and talk. I had not seen her for about a year. A few things she talked about just did not ring true to me and I remembered why I don't like to visit with her.
  

Enjoy Wednesday . It can be an awesome day with the right tools......hey, I have those tools!!!!

Pammie

A Little Something Missing

I want to have a conversation with Mama about a few things and it hurts that I can not. I wonder why she hid in the bathroom to cry when our dog PJ died forty something years ago? It would have been OK to cry in front of me. That is not the conversation I want to have, just a passing thought.

I want something but I don't know what it is. I understand over eating when I feel this "something missing" thing going on. Because hey, maybe I'm missing that full feeling, satisfied feeling. I used to love a joint when I had this feeling or a movie or a trip to the bar or liquor store. Anything to erase the "something is missing" feeling. Funny, now it's just a plain ol' feeling that I don't have address at all, I can just carry on with my day and it will pass. If it does not pass then I can do some serious step work on it or I can start talking to someone about it or I can pray and meditate on it, or I can do some 12th step work and get out of myself completely. It's just a feeling.

I'm grateful today for ways to work around my "thinking". When my brain reaches for the worse case scenario in every event, I can say WHOA....slow your roll there girl. Well I don't know if I have actually said "slow your roll" to myself but something similar.

I am ready for Tuesday. I hope it is ready for me.

Pammie

I Love Me Some Crazy People

I spoke on the phone with one of my sponsees last night for a long time. When we hung up I had this feeling of overwhelming gratitude and joy. I picked her up as a sponsee 20 months ago on her first day out of jail. She was a street prostitute and had been off of heroin for four months due to being incarcerated. She is the most amazing woman today. So full of God and service work. She holds three part time jobs, lives in a home for ex felons, drives a bus full of women from a county re-hab to church every Sunday morning and sponsors other women off the street. When God put her in my path I just looked up to heaven, rolled my eyes and said "Oh surely you're kidding me God right?" I count her as one of the biggest blessings of my life. I have learned more from her than any other sponsee in all my years of sponsoring women. When I look at her I see God in action.

When a woman shows the face of true desperation, we get them to God as quickly as possible. We don't give them a reading assignment and a phone number and walk away. We work our 12th step right then and there in the same way we would not go to bed without reviewing our day or saying our prayers. But here I have to concede that the face of true desperation, the person standing at the jumping off place "may not" be discernible to someone who does not have a lot of sober experience. I forget sometimes that we are all at different places on Gods path and maybe the "burden" or "burning desire" to 12th step is not placed on the hearts of everyone. But he placed it in mine. He placed the burden so heavy on my heart that I leave meetings and sit in my car and cry for people that I don't even know because I have a solution for desperately hurting people who more times than not......don't even want it.

I love me some crazy people......I just l-o-v-e them.

Smoochie love
Pammie

Processing

I'm tired this morning. I've been eating constantly since my in laws came to town and after two weeks of dieting it has made me feel yuck. I'm enjoying their company so much.

I'm tired of ranting on my blog. No, not really tired of it just frustrated somewhat. My love, my passion at times comes out as anger or condemnation. I don't know why that is. The same holds true for politics. When I feel passionate about something I always wonder why "you" can't understand it from the same context as me. I have trouble seeing that you have your own opinion, I see it automatically as the wrong opinion. This is something I have struggled with for years. I feel that certain things are on "my watch." The program, Texas, my country, my family. I feel that during "my watch", I must do every thing to secure it's continuation. I realize of course that I don't control any of these things but I feel so responsible to make a stand, to somehow "stand for" something. This is just fundamentally monumentally important to me.

My fear has always been for the new guy coming in off the street. The one who walks into his first meeting filled to the brim with self loathing and fear. The one who may hear some kind of bullshit like "I choose every single day not to use for that day." This is the man who has been trying for 20 years to choose not to drink or shoot heroin or smoke crack. He has no power to choose. This breaks my heart.....it truly breaks my heart.

I see people get beautiful new lives every day of the week and yet still sit in meetings-taking, taking, taking. Dumping their woes and problems on the group. And the guy in the back sits waiting to hear the solution.

What do I do about this? How do I fix it? I don't have a clue but for some reason it is so cathartic for me to write about it here.

Pammie

1/2 Talk - 1/2 Rant

My in laws came in last night for a weekend visit. My house was clean except for two closets that I hid stuff in. We sat at the breakfast table and talked for hours. It was so nice. I made a chicken noodle casserole for an easy late evening supper and it was delicious. Of course cooking around the holidays with real butter and cream seem to make everything taste good.

Ms. SoberPants seems to have gotten out of her funk somewhat. She moved all the furniture to different rooms yesterday in mothers house and all by herself. She weighs 105lbs. and I have no idea how she did it. She told me she was kind of worried that when her fiance got home he was going to think she had another man in the house helping her. Her son (my only grandchild) comes in from Dallas today for a one week visit. He is 10 years old and this will be the first time that she will bring into a home that is hers. She has never had her own place for him to come stay with her. She is overwhelmed with gratitude about that. She said the "gift" of that feeling is what helped her get out of the house and find a solution to her isolation.

Speaking of yesterdays post (weren't we?) on accepting the truth of our program as written, I will not accept that some folks feel "different" and they have adapted the program to fit their feelings. Hell, don't y'all think that thumpers like myself realize that for some people the life they have now is tremendously better than what they had? That this program did in fact lead them to a God of their understanding, enabled them to hold a job, support their families, get out of the gutter, live a life of meaning and substance? Of course I realize that. I'm not blind, I see it every single day. But I know that our program will not survive on the sponsorship of people who pick and choose how they want to work the program that has written precise instructions. I can not and will not apologize for staying in the trenches. This program will always help (as our text refers to) the "moderate", "heavy" and the "real alcoholic". But it was meant ONLY for the "real alcoholic". It tells us to "qualify" the person we are working with. Can I help what the text book says? NO, can I re-write it to fit what is more convenient for me? NO. I love lots of people dearly who work this program "their way" and I understand why they do. I see the miracles in their life. My bitch has always been for those beautiful people not to sponsor someone like me. Don't try to sponsor the books definition of a "real alcoholic" (not my words folks).

Crap....I can't seem to write properly what's in my heart. I love you all and want everyone to be helped. This is why there is no spokesperson for our program !!! LOL I thought I was elected president/omnipotent of the program.....must have been a dream.

Smoochie love
Pammie

Meeting Frustration Leading to Rant

I am off work today, if you are not then it sucks to be you. My in laws are coming down from Michigan for a weekend visit and lucky me, I love my in laws. I have plenty of time to clean house and grocery shop before their arrival.

Rant:

Pg. 45 says "Lack of power, that was our dilemma."
Pg. 132 says "We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others."

It bothers me in a meeting that is occupied by new comers, to hear a person who has worked the steps saying they are "recovering" or that they are "powerless." How does this give hope to the new comer? Why would anyone want to go to any length to remain powerless and never recover?

Why is it when we follow the dictates of the program from the text book, as written clearly and precisely, that others want to say "well that's your opinion". WTF?

Please don't tweak my beautiful program to suit you. Please don't mix treatment center ideology in with the text book. There are many excellent paths open to people who want to stop using alcohol and drugs. Please feel free to pick any one of them and live a clean and sober life. BUT the 12 step program path IS the way it IS. It is not prefaced with "please feel free to interpret this program in a way that is most convenient for you." I wish it said "if this is not the right program for you, we implore you to find one that is."

I can't imagine going to my place of employment everyday and doing my job "my way" without any regards to the fact that my company is 77 years old and has standards and procedures that were implemented years before I got there.

Ooooops off the topic here about giving the newcomer some HOPE. Explain the mental twist, the Spiritual Malady and that a Higher Power of their own choice will relieve them of the obsession and rocket them into a 4th dimension and that "we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body."

Oh the difference prayer can make! Ms. SoberPants actually walked out of the house after four days and went for a drive. Her car magically made it to a meeting after an hour or so. I did not call her last night even though I wanted to as badly as I've wanted a drink before. Why? Because calling her is all about me wanting to hear her voice, wanting to make a suggestion of what she should do, wanting to fix her by showing my unending love and support. My obvious calls of "fear" do nothing to help her. Calling her is to "fix" me - not her. HEY, that's kinda sorta good Al-Anony, right?

Precious Mr. Ed (not to be confused with the talking horse) gave me the award that is circling around. It's the blue lion on my side bar. Thank you sweet man. A few years ago a stated that I would always write a short Ode to anyone giving me an award. It's sort of an "incentive program" I run here at Sobriety is Exhausting.

An Ode to ED G.

A sober man since '83
living by the principles is his key.
He writes of the program that I hold so dear
in our former lives we may have shared a beer.
If you ever feel at the end of your rope
go by his blog for experience, strength and hope.

I must pass the award on to 6 bloggers that I feel write some "powerful" posts. Some of you who I would pick have already been chosen by others, but that was not part of the criteria so I will be true to my picks. Mary in Africa, Mary Christine, Lou.

I'll have to think some more on the next three.

Lovin' my blogger peeps and all the good thoughts and prayers from yesterday!

Smoochie love,

Pammie

Me - Spewing

I must post in bullets today.

• I got up at 3:15am because I can not sleep but I wish now that I had tried harder.
• I'm worried sick about Ms. SoberPants, she is not doing well at all. I don't know that her sobriety is in jeopardy but she is sinking fast into a scary depression. There is no insurance and she has no job now that she is not caring for Mama.
• I've given her to God ----BUT---oh the big BUT.
• He is not telling me his plans for her.
• He is not moving as fast as I want him to.
• He is not keeping me informed of how she is doing at her house while I'm at my house.
• Do you know this big BUT ?
• Knowing all the stuff about "of course her world just got turned upside down", "of course she is grieving", of course the boyfriend has moved in and it's so unfamiliar".
• Yeah, yeah.....I know all of that and so does she.
• Her clinical issues are often times made worse by situational issues.
• Her anxiety is debilitating.
• OK (breath in God - breath out fear)
• I've never in all her 27 years been able to figure out the right/best way to help her.
• I've resorted to calling and texting constantly "You OK baby girl?"
• That does not help.
• I went over there at lunch yesterday and sat with her while she cried and threw up.
• I've played Doctor and told her to up her meds. (she goes to cheap GP). She has been in the Mental Health system since age 4 and we know all the meds.
• I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness.......again. Helpless with Mama and Ms. SoberPants.
• I feel guilty knowing that God will take care of me today. Knowing that I will be able to shower, dress, go to work and function.
• I feel guilty because I know she won't be able to do any of these.
• I know this will all pass, but it is here now on this day and this is the day I'm living in.
• Whew.........I'm through.
• Collective prayers please for Ms. SoberPants.
• I will walk with God today and take him with me to her house at lunch so that I can be strong enough to sit with her again and try to come up with a plan of action.
• I'm so very grateful to be her sober mother.

Tuesday Talk

I decided to put a couple of bags of "you're never going to fit into those jeans again" clothes together for donation. Since my husband lost his job in June, we can not afford to make some of our normal holiday donations so I'm trying to be creative in ways to give. There are a lot of places in Houston to take clothing and household good donations so I'm trying to go through every closet and cabinet to find ways to "give."

Anyway, I came across this green pullover jacket thing that my husband loves and I said "honey, I'm putting this in a donation stack because it has shrunk through the years and it is too short for you." "By who's standards?" he asked. Oh good grief I knew what was coming, the man will put the last teaspoon of butter in a zip lock bag. "By the world commission of shirt authorities!" I say. "Give me their email address and I'll ask for the official measurement for shirt lengths!" he replies. I'll just put it in the bag and he'll never know.

Giving of "stuff" is so much easier than giving of our "time" but the rewards aren't nearly as great. I think it's important to remember though that there are a lot of people out there who really don't give a damn about your time, they just need a warm pair of socks today. They don't care about your spiritual fitness they need some toilet paper.


Pammie